You've likely heard the expression, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? This is how I sum up parenthood.
Again, as we have done over the last couple of years, we went out for dinner on Mother’s Day (http://smytacchiworld.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html) – sigh.
I’m not sure WHY we keep taking the boys out to restaurants, other than I have this crazy notion that for children to act well in public, you have to actually take them OUT in public to practice all the stuff you attempt to teach them in private (except for the running around the house butt naked before bathtime screaming hysterical laughter. That should probably stay, you know, private- unless it ends up on YouTube and we can make TONS of money then we should exploit the heck out of our kids, because it would be for their own good.)
Here are the things we teach our children at home when eating a meal- also known as TOTAL ADULT FANTASY VERSION (this phrase alone is going draw a number of Google hits methinks):
1. Sit in your chair nicely (meaning ON YOUR BUTT)
2. Eat your food with your utensils
3. Have pleasant conversation with your parents and sibling
4. Use “please”, “thank you”, “may I be excused” and take your own dishes to the kitchen when you are done
Here is what happens in reality- or also known as, well REALITY:
1. Stand on chair, kneel on knees and shake table so all the liquid in glasses go all over the place. If you are Alexander include a few dance moves in there while standing on chair. If you are Ian, this means, slumping down in your chair like a sullen teenager until all you can see is the very tip top of his head. ( Yes! Sullen teenager! Ian is experiencing an early on-set of Teen Angst at the ripe ol’age of 4!! Joy!)
2. Use fingers to eat everything, including ketchup, because Ronald Reagan was right, ketchup is indeed a vegetable. If you are Alexander include attempting to climb onto table to grab a napkin even though you already have like three of them plastered to various body parts.
3. Use the words pee-pee and poo-poo repeatedly until your parents send you to your room to have “a time out and you can learn to speak nicely so help me young man…” and/or repeat the one knock knock joke your mother misguidedly told you one day at dinner, over and over again, breaking up into squeals of raucous laughter even though you are not really telling the knock knock joke correctly and seriously, dude, its not that funny. (“Knock kock”, “Whose there?” “Banana”, “Banana who?”…”Knock knock”…) or if you are Alexander you tell it like this, “Knocknockwhosetherebanana….”
4. Well. Ok. We actually DO do this..So YAY us!
I guess one out of 4 ain’t bad…
Again, as we have done over the last couple of years, we went out for dinner on Mother’s Day (http://smytacchiworld.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html) – sigh.
I’m not sure WHY we keep taking the boys out to restaurants, other than I have this crazy notion that for children to act well in public, you have to actually take them OUT in public to practice all the stuff you attempt to teach them in private (except for the running around the house butt naked before bathtime screaming hysterical laughter. That should probably stay, you know, private- unless it ends up on YouTube and we can make TONS of money then we should exploit the heck out of our kids, because it would be for their own good.)
Here are the things we teach our children at home when eating a meal- also known as TOTAL ADULT FANTASY VERSION (this phrase alone is going draw a number of Google hits methinks):
1. Sit in your chair nicely (meaning ON YOUR BUTT)
2. Eat your food with your utensils
3. Have pleasant conversation with your parents and sibling
4. Use “please”, “thank you”, “may I be excused” and take your own dishes to the kitchen when you are done
Here is what happens in reality- or also known as, well REALITY:
1. Stand on chair, kneel on knees and shake table so all the liquid in glasses go all over the place. If you are Alexander include a few dance moves in there while standing on chair. If you are Ian, this means, slumping down in your chair like a sullen teenager until all you can see is the very tip top of his head. ( Yes! Sullen teenager! Ian is experiencing an early on-set of Teen Angst at the ripe ol’age of 4!! Joy!)
2. Use fingers to eat everything, including ketchup, because Ronald Reagan was right, ketchup is indeed a vegetable. If you are Alexander include attempting to climb onto table to grab a napkin even though you already have like three of them plastered to various body parts.
3. Use the words pee-pee and poo-poo repeatedly until your parents send you to your room to have “a time out and you can learn to speak nicely so help me young man…” and/or repeat the one knock knock joke your mother misguidedly told you one day at dinner, over and over again, breaking up into squeals of raucous laughter even though you are not really telling the knock knock joke correctly and seriously, dude, its not that funny. (“Knock kock”, “Whose there?” “Banana”, “Banana who?”…”Knock knock”…) or if you are Alexander you tell it like this, “Knocknockwhosetherebanana….”
4. Well. Ok. We actually DO do this..So YAY us!
I guess one out of 4 ain’t bad…
CHEERS!
For whatever reason, bringing (our) small children out into public is the equivalent of feeding them pure white sugar straight out of the sugar bowl. Whatever impulsive ideas they may normally be able to contain (mostly) suddenly are uncontainable. Any social filters they may have developed are left on the floor of the car in the parking lot.
So to the list of things we should not do while in a restaurant we add:
1.Climb under the table repeatedly to fetch dropped crayons and or toys (this is both parents and kids) and if you are the kids pick up random pieces of dried, unidentifiable bits of old food and consume. God forbid the kids eat the identifiable food that is being paid for to eat.
2. Break your crayons into hundreds of bits
3. Wander about the booth seat like Jews in the Diaspora
4. INSIST on drinking out of mommy’s water glass and then stand up in your chair to reach something on the other side of the table knocking over mommy’s water glass and getting water all over yourself and crying hysterically that you are wet.
5. Have a meltdown, crying tantrum approximately every 5 minutes because: Alex took the crayon I wanted! My car fell under the table! Ian’s not sharing the crayons! I want to sit next to mommy/daddy! I want some more bread! The air is full of molecules!!!
6. Lots of heavy sighs and eye rolling by the parents, who wonder, for the 900th million time, WHAT WERE WE THINKING? And also, WAITER, PLEASE!! MORE WINE!
I swear its like eating dinner with the Three Stooges, you know the episode where they are carrying ladders and stuff and constantly knock stuff over in various chain reactions and hit each other (Oh. Wait. That is every episode. Well, that is also, “Our life with small children”)
This year, tho’ the boys actually ate the dinner we purchased for them and the boys’ bogarted some of Andy’s appetizer. So, in that respect, things are looking up!
So to the list of things we should not do while in a restaurant we add:
1.Climb under the table repeatedly to fetch dropped crayons and or toys (this is both parents and kids) and if you are the kids pick up random pieces of dried, unidentifiable bits of old food and consume. God forbid the kids eat the identifiable food that is being paid for to eat.
2. Break your crayons into hundreds of bits
3. Wander about the booth seat like Jews in the Diaspora
4. INSIST on drinking out of mommy’s water glass and then stand up in your chair to reach something on the other side of the table knocking over mommy’s water glass and getting water all over yourself and crying hysterically that you are wet.
5. Have a meltdown, crying tantrum approximately every 5 minutes because: Alex took the crayon I wanted! My car fell under the table! Ian’s not sharing the crayons! I want to sit next to mommy/daddy! I want some more bread! The air is full of molecules!!!
6. Lots of heavy sighs and eye rolling by the parents, who wonder, for the 900th million time, WHAT WERE WE THINKING? And also, WAITER, PLEASE!! MORE WINE!
I swear its like eating dinner with the Three Stooges, you know the episode where they are carrying ladders and stuff and constantly knock stuff over in various chain reactions and hit each other (Oh. Wait. That is every episode. Well, that is also, “Our life with small children”)
This year, tho’ the boys actually ate the dinner we purchased for them and the boys’ bogarted some of Andy’s appetizer. So, in that respect, things are looking up!
Ian got his picture taking abilities from his father: a) do NOT look at camera, ever b) make sure your eyes are closed c) try not to smile..although Andy is smiling here, and so is Ian even if it only LOOKs like he is constipated
Since the last pictures anyone has seen of us is when we all were dressed as Nanook of the North during the Snowstorm of the Century posts, here are more recent pictures. These are in no particular order, but were taken this year!
Sir Elton John and his loyal entourage
Relaxing after a morning at Sesame Place
Momma singing AND rockin' out to the "Mana Manana" song on the carousel at Sesame Place. I am, I should point out, the only adult on the ride doing this. Andy and I were amused that we recognized many of the songs being played over the loud speakers. I of course was singing all the ones I knew, out loud. People tend to steer clear of us most of the time.
This appears to be a hostage situation, but its only Elmo stopping for a photo op. The kids in line were insane. It was as if a major rock star had just shown up (girls! stop flinging your diapers at Elmo! please!)
Contemplating his perch. Ian in Elmo's tree house. What you can't see, is this netting stretches out OVER part of the park. He's a least a story or two up there!
Ian and Alex picking up a chick at a bar. No. Wait. That is Grandma Mimi.
Alex on a ride, looking as if he has something up his sleeve (more likely he has something in his diaper)
Not at Sesame Place, but at Frying Pan Park, a working farm in Fairfax County, owned by the county. It was Farm day and every child in the county came out to torture, I mean, pet the baby animals.
Ian and Alex waiting for a bus. They spend a lot of time at the bus station. We like using the lockers for babysitting service. In reality, they are sitting on a bench at a vineyard while mom and dad are getting snogged on vino. It was a lovely day...notice the Shenandoah's in the background.
Ian hanging around and Alex trying to be like him. This was also at the vineyard.
A tricycle built for 2
This it what your face would look like too if you fell out of the back of your mother's CRV in a gravel parking lot. Note to self, check back hatch door to ensure small child is not pressed up to the window before flinging it wide open. Before anyone contacts social services, I was backing the car up into a parking space and let the boys ride in the way back for the whole 5 foot maneuver. The car was stopped, when I flung open the hatch. Alex, however kept moving until his face reached the ground. Poor little bugger.
As you can see by our stellar parenting skills, we are probably insane. I guess the question is, what comes first? The insanity or the children? Discuss.
