Nice picture eh? It would have made a great Christmas card, until we decided this year we were not going to send out Christmas cards. I’d like to say the reason we did not send out cards is because we wanted to save a tree. However, that would not be true. We started to design a card, ran into technical difficulties and decided, ENOUGH! A break was needed. So cards lost out in our game of Holiday Roulette.
Every year we vow to be organized, enthusiastic, full of good cheer and whatnot, and every year we are on line with Amazon two days before Christmas ordering stuff (and spending LOADS on non-free shipping) because OHMYGODISITALREADYDEC22?!?!!? .
Every year it takes three days to decorate our Christmas tree. For context our tree:
National Christmas Tree with approximately 4 million more lights and a good deal of extra height. Also they probably had a fair amount of park service employees with a decent ladder doing the decorating. We had one adult, a 5 year old and a kitchen chair.
Ho ho ho.
(At the National Christmas Tree)
So if you were hoping for a blog full of some grand epiphany of moral rectitude, good cheer, and something profound to say, well, you are definitely reading the wrong blog. But for your time and effort here are some simple Christmas how-to tips:
HOW TO BUY A CHRISTMAS TREE
- Run up to the first tree you see and say, "THIS ONE!!"
- Have mom and dad check out the price and say, "Um, no"
- Have mom and dad pick out a different one
- Play in the christmas tree netting do hickie
- Amuse the man who runs the Christmas tree lot who kindly opened up for us at 8:45 am on a Sunday morning even tho' he likely had just woken up himself and was hoping to have another cup of coffee (or shot) before he has to deal with a three year old child who has a chain saw fetish
- Buy tree
- Tie small children to top of the car and stuff tree inside
- Drive home
HOW TO FROST COOKIES
- Crank Elvis Christmas CD
- Feel bad that Elvis is "blue" (and also dead)
- Tell mom "WHEN" with the food coloring as she stirs it into the frosting
- Ask for sprinkles and chocolate chips
- Frost everything, including your clothes, face, feet, the wall, floor, table and the dog
- Dump about an inch of sprinkles on whatever has frosting on it, including your clothes, face, feet, the wall, floor, table and the dog
- Have mom dig cookies out of piles of sprinkles (the dog eats his way out of his sprinkles)
- Declare them perfect then eat the newly decorated cookies as you go
HOW TO SHAKE YOUR BOOTY AT A VERY LOUD
NON-ALCOHOLIC CHRISTMAS PARTY
(live video performance starring Alexander)
(live video performance starring Alexander)
- Go to daycare Christmas party
- Load the kids up on sugar but nary a single item that offers any nutritional benefit at all even tho' those were available but no one but the parents ate them in their continuing effort to be a "good role model"
- Have the three year olds get on a stage
- Have children get in a line
- Watch as they strike the "deer in a headlights" pose once they realize ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING US
- Turn on festive Christmas song
- Loud stage whisper instructions
- Swing the hips! Wave the arms! Shake those money makers kids!
And there you go! Cookies, music, dance and a tree with lots of ornaments and lights Voila! May your day be shiny and bright and if nothing else, frosted with loads of sprinkles.
