..is another wife! Seriously. Yes. I know. This should have been written and posted before Christmas. But of course, it is not. Well. Keep reading and you will understand.
Another adult around the house would be so totally awesome. Should I say, another adult I to whom I do not have to pay a salary?
I have a confession to make.
I am holiday/special occasion challenged. Despite my best efforts, I cannot get organized for holidays/special occasions. We keep a calendar on our refrigerator. On it, I will mark special occasions. For instance, “X’s birthday” will be marked on X’s birthday. Then I go about my life. Everyday, I look at the calendar and see X’s birthday marked. Right there! In bright colors! But, the information never seems to pass from my eyeballs to my brain. No. It just disappears. And then, two days, before, or usually the DAY of X’s birthday I will look at the calendar and suddenly my eyeballs spike the information to my brain. OHHHNOOOOO my brain will scream. You did it again.
It’s the same for holidays.
Why does this happen? I have no idea. I happen to LOVE holidays. I also like it when someone recognizes my birthday with a card, or a call. For whatever reason I cannot plan in advance to acknowledge/prepare for others birthdays or for holidays
(true story: Andy hands me a bouquet of flowers; I stare blankly[“why is he giving me flowers?” my brain says becoming alarmed] “Um, it’s our anniversary,” says Andy. “Oh crap” is my reply. (nice reply! Happy anniversary honey! Oh crap!) I look at the calendar. Sure enough. There it is.
(true story number 2: You know how some online accounts make you sign in? and you need a password? And they have “security” questions for that password, incase you forget, and why yes. I forget my passwords ALL THE TIME- and apparently my answers to security questions!! Because “child’s birthdate” is one of those questions. AND YES! I get it wrong. I either enter it wrong, or recall it wrong. Good mommy!)
So now I present (not to be confused with presents) you with The Holidays, Redux:
Christmas tree: The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I bundled up the crew and drove us out west to cut a tree down. It was cold and rainy. Also muddy. Did I mention cold and rainy? On the plus side, hardly ANYONE was at the tree place, which is usually overrun by cars and people. Not that day. Four cars, including ours in the parking lot. That never happens. Andy enjoyed laying on the cold, wet and yes, muddy ground to cut that sucker down
Another adult around the house would be so totally awesome. Should I say, another adult I to whom I do not have to pay a salary?
I have a confession to make.
I am holiday/special occasion challenged. Despite my best efforts, I cannot get organized for holidays/special occasions. We keep a calendar on our refrigerator. On it, I will mark special occasions. For instance, “X’s birthday” will be marked on X’s birthday. Then I go about my life. Everyday, I look at the calendar and see X’s birthday marked. Right there! In bright colors! But, the information never seems to pass from my eyeballs to my brain. No. It just disappears. And then, two days, before, or usually the DAY of X’s birthday I will look at the calendar and suddenly my eyeballs spike the information to my brain. OHHHNOOOOO my brain will scream. You did it again.
It’s the same for holidays.
Why does this happen? I have no idea. I happen to LOVE holidays. I also like it when someone recognizes my birthday with a card, or a call. For whatever reason I cannot plan in advance to acknowledge/prepare for others birthdays or for holidays
(true story: Andy hands me a bouquet of flowers; I stare blankly[“why is he giving me flowers?” my brain says becoming alarmed] “Um, it’s our anniversary,” says Andy. “Oh crap” is my reply. (nice reply! Happy anniversary honey! Oh crap!) I look at the calendar. Sure enough. There it is.
(true story number 2: You know how some online accounts make you sign in? and you need a password? And they have “security” questions for that password, incase you forget, and why yes. I forget my passwords ALL THE TIME- and apparently my answers to security questions!! Because “child’s birthdate” is one of those questions. AND YES! I get it wrong. I either enter it wrong, or recall it wrong. Good mommy!)
So now I present (not to be confused with presents) you with The Holidays, Redux:
Christmas tree: The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I bundled up the crew and drove us out west to cut a tree down. It was cold and rainy. Also muddy. Did I mention cold and rainy? On the plus side, hardly ANYONE was at the tree place, which is usually overrun by cars and people. Not that day. Four cars, including ours in the parking lot. That never happens. Andy enjoyed laying on the cold, wet and yes, muddy ground to cut that sucker down
The boys with our quarry. What you can't see is Ian's toy saw he brought along, so he could assist in the cuttingWe got it home where:
1. Its sat on the deck for three days until we bought a stand, since it would not fit the old one.
2. Once in the stand it stood naked, in our family room for another two days until we can drag out the Christmas decorations.
3. It takes us TWO days to decorate it.
4. It takes only moments for Alex to remove all the ornaments within his reach and yank down the lights!
The tree had the leans. It looked fine in its natural setting, but once in the stand you could see where the tree leaned left from the middle on up. Note the 500 million gifts. These came from our families!
Speaking of lights, we had the Christmas lights from hell:
Last year I bought many strands of large bulb Christmas lights on sale to festoon the outside of the house! Lights! Festive! Fun! Not being total fools, we plugged ALL the lights in to make sure they worked (the exploding bulbs on a few strands concerned me somewhat, but again, fire hazards should NEVER get in the way of a colorful Christmas display). On the coldest and windiest day of the year (of course!), Andy drags out the ladder and spends a hour hanging the lights on the house and on bushes. Only to plug them in and have them...do nothing.
Much colorful and un-Christmas like language ensues. Over the course of two weeks, he takes them down, plugs in each strand, removes the ones that now do not work even tho’ they HAD worked; then, plugs them together, plugs them all in, strings them back up only to have them...not work. So much for wasting electricity...
Baking catastrophes
I’ve been baking for over 30 years now and this year, it all went south. Not only did cookies I’ve made 100 million times not come out right, my toffee also failed.
I make this toffee every year. It’s easy and good! My sister in law refers to it as Maria’s Crack. I typically send this out as gifts to many folks. This year, no one got any. First my cheapo candy thermometer that I’ve had for years, stopped working. Then the new cheapo one I bought apparently was not accurate. THREE whole pans of the stuff adhered to said pans. And while tasty (although not hard enough to be toffee) I could not use it. It took me an hour to CHISEL the stuff out of the pans. It bent my spatula. I do, however, still have 8 lbs (yes! EIGHT POUNDS- I had TEN POUNDS) of butter in my freezer. If you’d like some, let me know, I’ll mail you a stick or two.
Much colorful and un-Christmas like language ensues. Over the course of two weeks, he takes them down, plugs in each strand, removes the ones that now do not work even tho’ they HAD worked; then, plugs them together, plugs them all in, strings them back up only to have them...not work. So much for wasting electricity...
Baking catastrophes
I’ve been baking for over 30 years now and this year, it all went south. Not only did cookies I’ve made 100 million times not come out right, my toffee also failed.
I make this toffee every year. It’s easy and good! My sister in law refers to it as Maria’s Crack. I typically send this out as gifts to many folks. This year, no one got any. First my cheapo candy thermometer that I’ve had for years, stopped working. Then the new cheapo one I bought apparently was not accurate. THREE whole pans of the stuff adhered to said pans. And while tasty (although not hard enough to be toffee) I could not use it. It took me an hour to CHISEL the stuff out of the pans. It bent my spatula. I do, however, still have 8 lbs (yes! EIGHT POUNDS- I had TEN POUNDS) of butter in my freezer. If you’d like some, let me know, I’ll mail you a stick or two.
Why yes. I AM posting a picture of the adhesive toffee I had to ply out of the dish.
Sickness:
The weekend before Christmas, when I had hoped to get everything done that had not been done, even though I stayed up late every night for two weeks and got nothing accomplished - I fell deathly ill. My head exploded. (Alex spent the day after Christmas barfing all over his Uncle Doug. Actually Alex spent 5 days after Christmas barfing on pretty much everything)
Presents:
If I usually send you something, you got nothing this year (see Baking catastrophes and Sickness- also inability to organize). THANK GOD for Amazon.com and Andy ‘cause Santa would not have had squat to drop off to the boys. Also Andy’s gifts showed up on Christmas Eve. I lovingly handed it to him Christmas morning in the Amazon.com box in which it came (at least I removed the packing material) Nothing says Merry Christmas like a brown cardboard box!
The weekend before Christmas, when I had hoped to get everything done that had not been done, even though I stayed up late every night for two weeks and got nothing accomplished - I fell deathly ill. My head exploded. (Alex spent the day after Christmas barfing all over his Uncle Doug. Actually Alex spent 5 days after Christmas barfing on pretty much everything)
Presents:
If I usually send you something, you got nothing this year (see Baking catastrophes and Sickness- also inability to organize). THANK GOD for Amazon.com and Andy ‘cause Santa would not have had squat to drop off to the boys. Also Andy’s gifts showed up on Christmas Eve. I lovingly handed it to him Christmas morning in the Amazon.com box in which it came (at least I removed the packing material) Nothing says Merry Christmas like a brown cardboard box!
Opening gifts. This year, Ian was slightly more interested in the gifts. Not much. Once he opened the hotwheels and hot wheel tracks he was done. It took the rest of the day for him to open all his booty. Alex enjoyed the boxes and removing Christmas ornaments from the tree
Cards:
We got them early. Sent them out in waves, but are not entirely clear who may have received them. If you usually receive one from us, and didn’t this year, please, do not take in personally. If you have no idea who we are and received one, well, Merry Christmas stranger!
So Martha Stewart, Kiss my grits honey.
I have removed Santa's head! Cool
I am starting my new year off right by sending all my loyal readers this Christmas greeting! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Bookmark this page, since I fear my ability to "do" holidays will only get worse. And yes, this IS your Christmas greeting for 2009. THIS year, I am early! ...............and to all a good night................
3 comments:
It's much easier to laugh at the holidays now that they are over. The week between Xmas & New Years is a paid holiday for me - instead of spending the week working around the house, reading, & relaxing - I spent the time nursemaiding Alexander who 'ralphed' on me approximately three times a day. Happy Festivus, y'all!
Oh my gosh...that was a laugh I desperately needed! Is it wrong that it makes me feel good to know I'm not the only one? Not the only one who is losing her mind; not the only one who feels like despite all her planning and organization (?) she wakes up one day and -BOOM!- "the event" is suddenly upon her; not the only one who had to deal with more bodily fluids over the holidays than I care to recall. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Dear Maria, Andrew and offspring,
I loved your photo of the "toffee" (aka crack). I made massive batches of the stuff for my coworkers. It turned out perfect every time. They love it. They want more. Gotta have more.
Wuv,
Aunt Bee
Post a Comment